by Charly Mann

Just the other day, or to be more precise, about 2,500 years ago, a man who Socrates did not know approached him to say he had some information about one of Socrates’ friends that he should know.

Socrates replied, "before you say another word, you will have to take my Triple Filter Test. The first part of this test will filter out the truthfulness of what you are about to tell me about my friend." Then Socrates asked the man if the information he had was true. The man said he was not certain if it was true since he had heard it from someone else.

"The second filter," Socrates said, "is goodness. Does the information you have about my friend reveal something good about him?" The man replied that it was just the opposite.

"The third filter is usefulness. Will the information you have be useful to me, in any way?" The man answered that it would not.

Socrates then said that when information about a friend is not certain, good, and useful, it should never be listened to.

by Charly Mann

After more than half a century of life I have come to the conclusion that the majority of men in this world are boring, including myself, while the majority of women are interesting. I like to be around people who are clever, funny, and empathetic, and men rarely possess these qualities.

Men's conversation is usually limited to making themselves important, trying to get something (which often means flirting), or talking about something they find interesting. Women rarely have an agenda except wanting to connect through conversation. They are generally forthcoming about their joys, sorrows, problems, and insecurities; all things a man would never divulge.  

Psychological research has shown that most women are strongly empathetic, while most men are self-centered and focused on trying to understand how things work. Women are also very good at understanding non-verbal communication, like reading facial expressions and interpreting tone.

Men are better at focusing on a subject than women, and usually dominate a conversation if it has purpose for them. However, most of the time a man is silent. In a typical day a woman talks more than three times as much as the average male. Women also make more and better friends because of their empathy and honesty. Men are too guarded and defensive to create an intimate bond with another human being. Men simply are not interesting because they are not interested in a relationship unless there is something in it for them.

Because each year you get a brand new crop to choose from, and they are always there on your doorstep waiting to greet you.

Everyone should have a great marriage. When two people decide to get married, it is because each person finds the other so wonderful that they commit to spend the rest of their lives together. Unfortunately, for some reason, more than 50% of marriages end in divorce, and 80% of those that do not go from great to adequate in less than five years.

There are devasting financial and emotional costs for bad marriages. If they end in divorce it will cost at least $78,000 just for legal fees. If a couple is able to negotiate a settlement without going to court, their attorney’s fees will still be about $27,000. Children from the bad marriages suffer even more. They are likely to be maladjusted for the rest of their lives. This is primarily because they adopt one or more of the characteristics of a dysfunctional parent such as antisocial behavior, anger, drugs and/or alcohol abuse, emotional disengagement, and physical or verbal abuse.

To avoid this pain, it is a good idea for a couple to agree on certain rules that can help ensure their marriage will not sour. We recommend that at least ten minutes be set aside every day in which both husband and wife have five minutes each to talk to one another. The conversation should always start with each person affirming that they really love and respect the other. This love and respect should be demonstrated by listening objectively to any criticism or problem the other has. Good communication is the cornerstone of a great relationship. It is imperative that there is a serious vow before marriage that neither partner will ever be dismissive or angry if the other person expresses a grievance. Finally, there should be a commitment to do something active together for at least three hours every week. Good activities include going on a walk, or going out to a meal as a date.

Today more than 28% of children in the United States live without their father. That is double the percentage in 1970, which was 14%.

by Charly Mann

A friend is someone who you not only share similar interests with, but who you trust enough to reveal intimate details of your life. The truth is, one is likely to find “true love” more often in a lifetime than a real friend.

For the past quarter century the moniker of “friend” has become attached to what was once known as an acquaintance or less. That is, someone we know casually, but are not close to or intimate with.

Now we live in an age where most people under the age of forty belong to a virtual social network like MySpace or Facebook and claim to have scores of friends. The average woman on one of these social networks has 62 friends in her contact list, while the average male has 57.

In this virtual world, one of the primary objectives is collecting new friends, and there are web services and computer software designed to increase your number of friends. Social network friendship means a person spends three hours or more a month exchanging short mundane comments (often less than a sentence) with their “friends”. In most cases the “friends” never have any contact with each other in person or on the telephone, and they therefore never really get to know one another.

More troubling, your friends are often not even real people. That is because each member creates his profile with the name, age, interests, and characteristics they choose – which is often created to make them most appealing to be people they hope to be “friends” with.

Real friendship is challenging. A major part of being a real friend is always being honest. It is often painful to be forthcoming about oneself. It can be even more difficult to tell your friend that you think they are doing something that is wrong or self-destructive, but that is an important function of a real friend. Even though we may want a friend who will support us no matter what, that kind of person is not a friend but an enabler. An enabler allows someone to act in a destructive manner. Unfortunately, many people who we call friends are really enablers. This has become more common as the purpose of many modern friendships has evolved to little more than having someone to be with. This creates an unhealthy codependency in which the foundation of the relationship is simply to get along.

Friendship is indeed a rare treasure that is based on similar interests, respect and trust, and is sustained by love, loyalty, and the kind of fun two kindred spirits can share together.

"The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them."

Thomas Merton

This duck was photographed in a ditch on the side of a wooded country road in Northeast Oklahoma in June of 2008.

We all want to liked, especially by people we’re interested in. Surprisingly, it is not difficult to get someone to like you. Most of what makes you interesting to another person is your body language. The second most important factor is your vocal tone. Of very little importance is what you actually say to the person you are trying to attract.

The most important thing you can do with body language is to stare into the eyes of the person you admire. Then watch their body language as you are talking and imitate their physical gestures, posture, and stance as closely as possible.

Your vocal tone should always exude confidence and ease (with no evident discomfort). Most people feel awkward and fearful of rejection when trying to make a positive impression on someone who interests them.

The best way to develop these characteristics is to regularly practice these techniques with an imaginary subject.

by Charly Mann

China is the world’s most populous country and an economic powerhouse in the world economy. It is also home to the fastest growing billionaire class in the world. Unfortunately for Chinese men there are at least 20% more single men in China than women. In China this problem is called “the gender crisis”.

The cause of this is China’s policy of limiting families to one child. Since boys are considered more desirable than girls in Chinese culture, many millions of Chinese women have prenatal sex determination tests when they become pregnant. If they find the fetus is a female it is aborted. Many other women give their female babies up for adoption, which accounts for so many Chinese girls being adopted by American families.

Women in countries like the United States, which has the opposite imbalance, may want to consider ways to meet Chinese men. 

by Charly Mann

Most women want to be married, and believe they will be unhappy if they remain single for their entire lives. Unfortunately the odds are not good for them.

There are fewer than nine single men for every ten single women in the United States. Obviously more than 10% of women are not going to be able to find a husband. It gets worse. Among those attending college and earning a degree, whether associate, bachelors, or masters, there are 55% more women than men. This contrasts to the 1960s when women could be patient and selective in choosing their mates – because there were 60% more men attending college than women.

As the odds have dramatically shifted in favor of men in the last five decades, the culture of relationships among the sexes has changed even more. In the 1960’s men typically exhibited many of the romantic traits we see in fairytales and movies. They acted gallant and attentive in order to be lucky enough to be granted the privilege of taking a girl on a date, which usually meant dinner and a movie, which the guy always paid for. Each date was like an exam to see if the man would have the privilege of the next date. Only after months or years of dating would a man be bold enough to hope that he might ask the girl for her hand in marriage.

Today dating has all but disappeared and hooking up (which is little more than a girl and guy who hardly know one another having sex) is the way relationships are formed. Survey after survey show that men enjoy this arrangement for its easy gratification, while most women feel cheapened and depressed by it. Women say they only continue doing it because it is the only way to meet men. Their hope is that if they have casual sex with a man it may turn out like kissing a frog in a fairytale and the man will turn into a prince, meaning he will be her soul mate and want to marry her. The truth is men know they have the upper hand and have little incentive to be sweet or thoughtful even after they are married.

Let’s look at the facts of marriage today in the United States. Only 49.7 percent of the nation’s 111.1 million households are made up of married couples. The number of people getting married each year continues to decline even though our population continues to grow. More sobering is the fact that the percentage of the population that is divorced continues to grow. It is now at 10% up from 8% in 1990, and just 6% in 1980.

If you are lucky enough to get married, what are your chances of living happily ever after? Well only about half even make it fifteen years, and only a third get to 25. If you are hoping that your marriage will last 30 years your odds are one in five, and just 5% of married couples ever celebrate their 50th wedding anniversary.